Shame. That strong emotion that suffocates you and makes you to be like frozen Popsicle. Not the sweet nice colorful one what everybody likes. Oh no. It's makes you to be bitter, ugly and half melted piece of dirty ice what smells really different. You might wonder what I mean but if you ever meet me or someone like me; In time you would understand. Especially when you see what kind of people are drawn to us. Shame weakens you as a person more than anything else. Even when you are not depressed the shame is still with you and makes you so much something else what you are. It's something what ties you up in his basement and do incredible dirty things to you – using the ways you can't even describe. Not that you would really want to describe or tell anything to anyone. It takes care of it that you don't. Because one word you say and every little thing what you do it's so shameful that you might just want to die. Sometimes all the time. Never less.. You can't see the shame on my strong handshake or in my eyes what politely look at you when we talk. It's always carefully hidden because it's so shameful to anyone to get to see it. Even the crying – what ever the reason is - is something so shameful that I punish myself if I do it. So I can't really cry for help or say the real reasons why I act sometimes so differently.
The shame makes you work hard until you don't. You just can't. In the end you don't feel accomplishment at all. Whether it is about cleaning your house, doing your homework or protecting something you believe in. You don't feel that you really do anything and you hate everything you do. Some amount of shame is really important. It show you what you do wrong and sometimes it show you that you did something really important and big – even if you are ashamed some radical things you did: You know now how much they mattered. You would think now that when I'm ashamed all the time everything would be important to me. Maybe it is. I can't tell anymore. I'm suffocating. And only people who know how to use me and suffocate me more can hear me. They come to me feeding me lies and - despite my shame and other flaws - I'm very loyal even to them. Even the humans who didn't mean to do so - start to use my weakness as person to their ends. I don't blame them. I blame myself. That is the part of shame - circle that feeds itself forever. In the end I'm always guilty one - even when I know I'm not.
Nobody can't hear real me because I'm so outside. I don't belong anywhere - partly because of my shame and also partly because the only things what I don't feel shame. I'm not ashamed about being asexual and androgynous. What ever happens I'm strong of those things – those are real me and it took me long time to find those parts of me. I want to keep them. But same time those strong parts of me make me even more weaker - because I don't have any real social power not to be ashamed everything what I do or say. I know I'm growing and I should be ashamed some of it what I say and how I act.. Why I have to be paralyzed by it? Why I am ashamed of everything? All the things what I want are impossible for me. I can't do anything even if I would want to.
And I know it doesn't make any sense but.. I'm so ashamed to live.
