Shame of Living.

Shame. That strong emotion that suffocates you and makes you to be like frozen Popsicle. Not the sweet nice colorful one what everybody likes. Oh no. It's makes you to be bitter, ugly and half melted piece of dirty ice what smells really different. You might wonder what I mean but if you ever meet me or someone like me; In time you would understand. Especially when you see what kind of people are drawn to us. Shame weakens you as a person more than anything else. Even when you are not depressed the shame is still with you and makes you so much something else what you are. It's something what ties you up in his basement and do incredible dirty things to you – using the ways you can't even describe. Not that you would really want to describe or tell anything to anyone. It takes care of it that you don't. Because one word you say and every little thing what you do it's so shameful that you might just want to die. Sometimes all the time. Never less.. You can't see the shame on my strong handshake or in my eyes what politely look at you when we talk. It's always carefully hidden because it's so shameful to anyone to get to see it. Even the crying – what ever the reason is - is something so shameful that I punish myself if I do it. So I can't really cry for help or say the real reasons why I act sometimes so differently.

The shame makes you work hard until you don't. You just can't. In the end you don't feel accomplishment at all. Whether it is about cleaning your house, doing your homework or protecting something you believe in. You don't feel that you really do anything and you hate everything you do. Some amount of shame is really important. It show you what you do wrong and sometimes it show you that you did something really important and big – even if you are ashamed some radical things you did: You know now how much they mattered. You would think now that when I'm ashamed all the time everything would be important to me. Maybe it is. I can't tell anymore. I'm suffocating. And only people who know how to use me and suffocate me more can hear me. They come to me feeding me lies and - despite my shame and other flaws - I'm very loyal even to them. Even the humans who didn't mean to do so - start to use my weakness as person to their ends. I don't blame them. I blame myself. That is the part of shame - circle that feeds itself forever. In the end I'm always guilty one - even when I know I'm not.

Nobody can't hear real me because I'm so outside. I don't belong anywhere - partly because of my shame and also partly because the only things what I don't feel shame. I'm not ashamed about being asexual and androgynous. What ever happens I'm strong of those things – those are real me and it took me long time to find those parts of me. I want to keep them. But same time those strong parts of me make me even more weaker - because I don't have any real social power not to be ashamed everything what I do or say. I know I'm growing and I should be ashamed some of it what I say and how I act.. Why I have to be paralyzed by it? Why I am ashamed of everything? All the things what I want are impossible for me. I can't do anything even if I would want to.
And I know it doesn't make any sense but.. I'm so ashamed to live.

Why? - Society, sexuality and sex.

It's always scary to start you new blog with so strong subject. It's actually really scary to write anything at all - especially when it goes public into internet. Even thought I say this I'm still quite sure that this is what I want to be my starter - even thought it will make me really vulnerable.
I almost called this blog "Never mind the F word - what I really hate is S word." but turned out it wasn't that much main subject or short enough as a title - but I think it's right way rude so I wanted to tell it to you.

I got my inspiration to this from many different sources - so I try to limit the area of thoughts mostly just two things for now; Sexuality and sex/genre roles in Society.
We don't want to things be too messy, right? There is already enough mess made out of those subjects. Related to those thing I often have to ask why.
Why I'm supposed to date a male? Why it has to be always boy or a girl? Male or Female?
Why I have to have some opinion about homosexuality? If I answer to that last one - will you tell me about your option when comes to heterosexuality? Wait what.. We don't need opinion about that? Why?

In society you have to have some kind of place where others can put you. Nowadays word sex in any different ways is everybody's business. I know it was more strict before - and maybe wrong ways - but I wouldn't mind if it would stay in bed room or your home. I don't mean to shout that homos should be hidden or anything like that. I try to say that Why it had to matter so much? Why you have to have opinion about it?
I don't mind much about sex so maybe it's much easier to me not to care opinions? Yes and No. Same time when it suppose to be easy because my asexuality - it isn't. Because in this society you have to have opinion about sexuality and most common with asexuality is that You don't exist. I'm not real. Still I'm not a liar ether. Why would I lie about something like that? When comes to being non-sexual even the gays often don't believe you. There has to be some opinion even without really knowing the subject - it might comes to hating gays or denying someone's existence because you don't know better. Society really hasn't teach you that it's not that big and different thing.
It's really hard to life in a world where things matter too much. I don't say that you shouldn't fight about gay rights or something like that - but it should not be something that rules so much. Still it does.. Especially in different roles you have to fit.

When I walk into job interview first thing what other seems to really notice is that I'm female. That's it. That already have ruined most of my changes. I know that some of you might say that it's not true; All are equal - especially in develop countries.
Well.. If you think like that let me tell you; It's not true. When your body is female it doesn't matter what you feel.
We all know you have to dress clean and be clean when you go to interview. But when does men had to put on make up to be clean? It's almost unheard of to female to go to job interview without make up. And there I have stand many times.  Needless to say I haven't got any of those jobs. Of course there's other things also - but mostly in everything female have to be good looking object or if she isn't need to be like that - work is too masculine for her. Nobody says it out loud even thought you might notice that new checkout lady really is "Check out! She looks like a model!" That's unspoken rule. Also you can't never say in the job interview that you really aren't female. There is only two genres in that world. In my case I have to be the lower one or nobody at all.

Still I don't blame men about this. It's not because my androgynous mind thinks that I'm a bit more masculine than feminine. It's because females are the same. Have anyone noticed that even before girl has born people buy her princess things? Especially the other females. I often want to scream when females act like society wants them to act. They don't mind to spend hours to get overly pretty for work interview. And it's not only that. They don't check the oil from the car or even try to build wardrobe because it's a man's job. Because they have been teach to think like that - many things what they might enjoy goes just pass them. I always question things like Why men has to pay or do certain things - I often do it out loud. I never get real answer from those women and what really saddens me; they often don't think it more. I know some of this are little things and you can argue that females wants those stuff. But do they? Really? That's like argument of a raper to his victim. Even thought she might fight less back it doesn't mean she really enjoys about it. Society is raping everyone of us - our minds - and makes us to behave like Stockholm syndrome cases. Some of us don't even stop to question those roles.

The roles what have forced on to us since we were so little that we couldn't learn to ask: Why?


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Hi!

I'm female who identifies as androgynous/third gender, whose sexual orientation is asexual, whose romantic orientation is pan/demi. My gender role is a bit more masculine.
These things doesn't matter that much - when I'm home; I'm ME. But don't get me wrong - I'm proud of being me. Our society still needs something to call me so at least I can offer it right terms to use.
I might not belong to this world but I'm still here.. At least for now.

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My strongest inspirations for this blog writing was these awesome things. I'm not as good as them but I hope that some day my tiny non existence writing provokes some real thoughts;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXAoG8vAyzI 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPPG2_xkR-4


http://kevingisi.com/post/63806869214/patriarchy

I write so little and there is a lot of more things to say and a lot of more different perspectives what I left out but I can't yet focus on enough to show more. I would love to break my test clearly down like Kevin's or even write same way about same things showing my perceptive. But it might be to rude to do so.I hope nobody gets mad about how limited this was. We still have a lot to go in this subject and I bet I will write more.